Как говорится, задолго до истмата:

Inca Gold.
A member of the Inca tribe was captured by the Spanish. The captain told his interpreter to say to the Inca India, "Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all of their gold, that we will burn both his feet in the fire." Through the interpreter the Inca Indian responded, "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they burnt his feet. The Captain then told the interpreter to say, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is hidden, we will hang him from that noose on the tree over there." Again the Inca responded: "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they took him over to the tree and hung him until he could hardly breathe. The Spanish captain then ordered the Indian to be brought to him again. This time he said to the interpreter "Tellhim that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is, we will skin him alive." The Inca could stand it no longer and said "The gold is hidden in a little cave behind the large waterfall. It is one mile over the hill to the right." The interpreter told the captain, "He said he would rather die than tell you where the gold is."

Хотя это похоже на бродячий сюжет, который, возможно, древнее бедного инки. Вот, к примеру, американская версия того же анекдота:

This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself.
It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, “where's da money?”
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector's ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked.
The collector signed back, “It's in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”
The interpreter tells the thugs, “He said he still doesn't know what your talking about and you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!”

Когда вы видите выпускника филологического факультета, что вы обычно ему говорите?
— "Две картошки и Биг Мак, пожалуйста."

:))))

- What do you call a translator without a girlfriend?
- Homeless.

- What’s the difference between a large pizza and a translator?
- The pizza can feed a family of four.

Дождливое осеннее утро. Двое метут улицу.
- Коллега, а Вы в каком банке работали?
))

- Hello! I want speak Petya.
- but Petya went.
- went? how much watch?
- six watch.
- such much? and who you?
- who ya? ya Vasya.
- O, Vasya! finish *****?
- ask!!

Вместо звездочек обычно вставлялось название своего вуза.

P.S. Чисто из жизни:
- Natasha, please translate "Дайте мне, пожалуйста, стакан сока"!
- Will you please give me a glass of SOCKS?

(в смысле, взял и ушел)?

Поймали, значит, наши разведчики ***ского солдата. Допрос ведет сержант, окончивший ускоренные курсы военных переводчиков:
- What is your name?
- Jon Smith...
хрясь ему прикладом!
- What is your name?
- (утирая кровь) My name is John Smith
хрясь ему сапогом! передернул затвор, стволом в нос:
- Ну, молись, с#к@, последний раз спрашиваю: сколько танков в вашей дивизии?

даже интересно, там бедному чемпиону не икается от такой транслитерации...

Вообще по-хорошему завидую людям, непокоБелимо верящих в исключительное владение чужим языком. Помню в совке, когда из иностранцев в этой союзной республике вы видели только поляков, торгующих духами "Может быть", одна знакомая на полном серьезе сказала мне: " Английский я знаю в СОВЕРШЕНСТВЕ, пойду на курсы французского, а то не могу читать наклейки на французской косметике".
:-).

Продолжая конкурс баянистов.
Баян политический. Аффтар - Джеймс Шерман (James Sherman).
Место действия: Oval Office, White House, Washington, DC.
Действующие лица: Дж. Буш-мл., К. Райс.
Также упоминаются Ху Цзиньтао, Ясир Арафат и Кофи Аннан.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Секретарь докладывает: Long-Enough, Strong-Enough, Put-It-In, Fuck and Never-Off

Вариант 1973 г.
Форест, форест, форест.
Анималз, анималз, анималз.
Иван Сусанин эманг зем.
"Вэр из зе вэй ту Москов", - аскед немецко-фашистская гадина.
"Ай донт кнов", - Иван Сусанин ансверед.
"Ви шэл кил ю", - сэд немецко-фашистская гадина.
"Эз ю виш", сэд Иван Сусанин.
Форест, форест, форест.
Анималз, анималз, анималз.
Иван Сусанин из зе хироу оф зе Совьет Юнион"!